I’m an ExVangelical but I still go to Church
My relationship with Christianity is…complicated.
What I love about this post-evangelical community is that you don’t have to have it all figured out. We are all at different points in our faith deconstruction journey.
Some people step outside of Evangelicalism and keep walking until they are atheists (like Bart Campolo). Others remain dedicated to the faith and are on a mission to transform the church from the inside out (like Emily Joy Allison).
The vast majority of us though seem to sit somewhere in the middle. I see many self-proclaimed “agnostics,” in this ex-evangelical community (like Abraham Piper).
Many, like me, have a love-hate relationship with the church and haven’t completely cut ties. We don’t know what we believe exactly, we just know that most of Christianity is not sitting well with us anymore. We believe in a Higher Power, but don’t have the details figured out.
I grew up fully immersed in the culture of a mega church in Colorado Springs and then went on to join a number of Evangelical churches with cultish undertones throughout most of my 20s. The more controlling the church was, the better (was my unconscious mindset apparently).
One of those churches forbade hugging or any physical contact between males and females, relying on staff-coordinated arranged marriages for setting up its members. Another of those churches once went on a “church discipline” spree, outing members publicly from the pulpit for sinful or dissentious behavior.
In spite of all of these experiences, I still go to church, most Sundays, for a few reasons.
- I go because I found a cool church
The biggest reason is the church I’ve selected. I live in a small town so we don’t have a Unitarian-type church, but I’ve found one that is open and inclusive. People don’t have to conform to fit in here. Believe me, with my history joining cults and attending controlling churches, I would be out the door so fast if I noticed any of that.
Most Evangelical churches have a “come as you are” motto, but there’s always a second part to that motto, “and we will change you.” You can come in any way you like, but after a few weeks or months we will get you on track to start conforming to our beliefs, norms, trends, etc. We will “disciple” out of you anything that we don’t like or that we think could be dangerous to our agenda or our influence over the other attendees.
The church I now attend straight up says, “you don’t have to believe what we do.” Staff and volunteer positions are not restricted exclusively to those who fit a specific mold — there are Reiki healers, energy workers, people going through divorce, alcoholics, smokers, you name it (all things which my previous church would have cringed to allow anyone with these descriptions “serving” in any capacity let alone leadership).
Also, women preach, love that.
This church doesn’t try to control people’s lives in any way and the couple pastoring the church do their very best to continually evolve themselves as people and challenge themselves to be more open minded, which gives freedom to their attendees.
2. I go because it’s relaxing for me
This pretty much comes down to the fact that I’m a mother of two tiny children. On Sundays I can check them into a safe and friendly nursery, get my coffee, and sit quietly in the back of the chapel and be reflective.
I could NOT relax in a mainstream Evangelical church, there would be too many triggers. I can understand why many fellow post Evangelical and post Christian peers cannot relate to this point. Every once in a while, I still get triggered in church and then I’ll just take a few weeks off or leave early or whatever.
3. I go because I like the ritual and reverence
Several years into the realization that Christianity is no longer my identity, I still enjoy the traditional and ritualistic aspects of religion. I always have liked this part of my faith and still do.
I’ve always loved visiting churches when traveling, sitting in chapels, listening to hymns and chants, and marveling at the beauty and reverence surrounding religious buildings. That’s sort of part of my personality and it’s not changing.
4. I go because of the social connection
I’m still fairly new in town and with COVID happening months after I moved here, haven’t made a ton of friends. Though the church was closed for a good portion of the last year and a half, it provided some great friendships and is an excellent social network. I’ve gotten to know some amazing people in the community and have always valued church for this reason.
As both a telecommuter and mother, I’m in my house a lot. So, by Sunday, I’m usually very ready to get out and see people. Churches provide a good social structure and even though I’d like to move on from relying on it so heavily for building a friend network… baby steps :)
5. I’m a good influence on my church, churches need change from the inside out
If we all leave and abandon these Christian communities they are less likely to change and evolve. This is a minor reason for me attending. I don’t feel like I’m on a mission or anything, but some of my fellow exvangelicals are and I think it’s brilliant. We need progressive people, with new ways of thinking to offer a new path to the people that we left behind. This is pretty self-explanatory.
There are a lot of differences between how I used to go to church and how I go to church today.
Today,
- I don’t feel obligated to attend.
- I don’t feel bad or like I’m “not as close to God” if I miss services for weeks or months at a time.
- I don’t feel obligated to volunteer or lead or “get involved”. If I do or don’t do these things it has nothing to do with “spiritual maturity.”
- I don’t feel like I have to pay attention to every word, or take notes or whatever. Some weeks I bring my journal and write or just let my thoughts take over, and that’s fine. (Sometimes I discreetly leave early if I get bored or hungry or feel like I need to be doing something else… and you know what? I don’t have to worry about being a worse Christian for it because, I’m not a Christian anymore, so ha!)
I do still contribute financially because generosity is important to me. It’s also common sense — I use the services of the church (like nursery for my kids) and it costs them money to do what they do. They also donate to families in need, etc. I’m more than happy to support this organization and the joy and belonging they are bringing to people in the community.
I’ve learned a lot from my extensive experiences with controlling and cultish churches. Maybe someday down the road I will no longer want to attend. But for now, this is how and why I do.
